I have spent every madden since ’07 consistently padding my resume, padding my wins, and bringing home Lombardi trophies left and right. To date, my biggest accomplishment was taking the Browns from the bottom to Super Bowl winner in 3 seasons. These are reasons enough for a team to give me a shot, maybe as a special teams coach or something, right? Apparently wrong.
I started this offline franchise with the Browns on all-madden, because nothing scares me. Injuries were on, we were ready to rock and roll. The first season was simulated because I like having a full off-season to acquire new talent and a guarantee high draft pick, its my thing, it’s what I do. The simulated season the team ended 1-15, secured the first overall pick, things were looking up. There were no attractive free agents, there never are the first year, so it looked like we had to build a championship team through the draft. Our first trade came from dealing Josh Gordon for a Justin Bieber album, so his career is likely over. At first overall we drafted this big-ass defensive tackle, Danny Shelton was too soft for us.Time to start our second season.
Forgetting injuries were on, we did not add any quarterbacks. I started playing the first game, against the Dolphins, and Ndomukong Suh broke through my offensive line and suplexed RG3, somehow getting hit in his shoulder blade, he tore an ACL and his career with the Browns was over. My punter had to finish out the game and it was not pretty. The season was lost before it even started, so after ANOTHER simulation, the team finished 5-11, giving us 4th overall. Needless to say, our organization drafted the best QB available.
The third season rolled along and we were ready to go. Rookie QB, Duke Johnson is our starting running back and Terrell Pryor was our best WR, what could possibly go wrong? After playing every game, we finished the season 15-1, our lone loss coming in week 17 after resting our starters for the playoffs. The playoffs were a breeze, the least we scored was 49 points because I am pretty damn good at madden. It was pro bowl week and I always like checking to see who made it from my team because the only thing I care about are personal accolades. In true madden fashion, 6 of my offensive linemen made the pro bowl. The match up was set: the Cleveland Browns vs. the Green Bay Packers because Aaron Rodgers is a cheat code in this game. Long story short, the Lombardi trophy was ours after a walk-off fake field goal in over time because I am a savage.
After the win, I emailed my resume to all 32 NFL teams. With Chip Kelly getting canned, the only team to grant me an interview were the Eagles (this happened in 2015), because this team loves obscure head coaching candidates.
Lurie: So you took the Browns from crapper to dapper in 3 seasons?
Lurie: What will you do different from Chip?
After my interview with the Eagles concluded, I was informed that this team is not looking for a winning culture. They decided to go with a high school football coach who was a REALLY good third string QB 20 years ago. I can not fault their decision making, Pederson DOES have a better hair line. After being denied by a team that has never sniffed a Lombardi, I figure my coaching career is over. My only hope for revival would be to make a franchise with the Patriots and NOT win a Super Bowl.